How to interact with your wife by Shaykh Salih ibn Abdul Aziz Aali Shaykh(By Salaf-us-salih)


Shaykh Salih ibn Abdul Aziz Aali
Shaykh may Allah preserve him
said:
The third category: The man
interaction with his wife
Allah ﺟﻞ ﻭﻋﻼ has obligated upon
the man similar to that which He
has obligated upon the woman.
Allah ﺟﻞ ﻭﻋﻼ said:
ﻭﻟﻬﻦ ﻣﺜﻞ ﺍﻟﺬﻱ ﻋﻠﻴﻬﻦ ﺑﺎﻟﻤﻌﺮﻭﻑ ﻭﻟﻠﺮﺟﺎﻝ
ﻋﻠﻴﻬﻦ ﺩﺭﺟﺔ ]ﺍﻟﺒﻘﺮﺓ228:
“And they (women) have rights
(over their husbands as regards
living expenses) similar (to those
of their husbands) over them (as
regards obedience and respect)
to what is reasonable, but men
have a degree (of responsibility)
over them [al-Baqarah 2:228]
Allah ﺟﻞ ﻭﻋﻼ has made the rights
of the man primary, but He has
given the woman rights just has
He has given the man rights.
Allah ﺟﻞ ﻭﻋﻼ said in this verse:
“And they (women) have rights
(over their husbands as regards
living expenses) similar (to those
of their husbands) over them (as
regards obedience and respect)
to what is reasonable.
The Prophet ﺻﻠﻰ ﺍﻟﻠﻪ ﻋﻠﻴﻪ ﻭﺳﻠﻢ gave
many advices concerning the
women.
There are some people who
marry and they do not learn the
regulations concerning social
interactions with the wife. How
should he talk to her? How should
he request from her? What are
the obligations that the wife must
perform?
On the contrary, he only interacts
with her based upon his sheer
desires. He treats her according
to his wishes and sometimes
based upon his manhood and
based upon his strength. And he
does not do that which is Islamic
binding upon him. He does not
learn the legislated regulations
concerning social interaction and
dealing with the wife.
And how beautiful is the
statement of Ibn Abbass ﺭﺿﻲ ﺍﻟﻠﻪ
ﻋﻨﻬﻤﺎ concerning this verse! He
said concerning the statement of
Allah ﺟﻞ ﻭﻋﻼ:
“And they (women) have rights
(over their husbands as regards
living expenses) similar (to those
of their husbands) over them (as
regards obedience and respect)
to what is reasonable.
He said: ‘Verily I do not like
to demand all of my rights
from my wife such that it
will become obligatory
upon me to give her all of
her rights that she
requests from me.
And also he used to order with
beautification; meaning the man
beautifying himself for his wife.
He said:
“And they (women) have rights
(over their husbands as regards
living expenses) similar (to those
of their husbands) over them (as
regards obedience and respect)
to what is reasonable.
Therefore if the man requests that
his wife beautify herself for him,
and that she remove any foul
odor and that she is beautified
when with him; then likewise it is
obligatory upon him to interact
with her with that which Allah ﺟﻞ
ﻭﻋﻼ has made obligatory.
Look at the condition of the
Prophet ﺻﻠﻰ ﺍﻟﻠﻪ ﻋﻠﻴﻪ ﻭﺳﻠﻢ with his
wives when they request
maintenance from him. He said to
them kind gentle words that
preoccupied for a period of time
until Allah ﺟﻞ ﻭﻋﻼ reveal verses
concerning this in Soorah Al
Ahzab.
In many instances the man’s
interaction with his wife is
according to desires and
according to the desires of
manhood.
But some of the people are
diligent upon interacting with their
family according to the
appropriate legislation, and this is
what is obligatory so this is what
we wanted to point out because
this is a type of interaction that
many people are void of.
On the other extreme as it
relates to interacting with the
wives, some people believe
that good interaction is to
give his wife free rein. And
he fulfills every desire that
the woman has without
looking to see if that which
she requested is permissible
or impermissible, and without
looking to see if it is
something she has a right to
do or not. It is something that
will be good for her or is it
something that will not be
good for her? Is there a
benefit for her it that or not?
(The men) are negligent in this
affair to the extent that the women
conduct themselves freeing like
they are the men.
No doubt that these are two
images on opposite sides of the
spectrum.
The one who is harsh and
cruel
The one who gives his wife
free rein and it is as though his
wife has become the man.
And the resolution for that, rather
the balance and the guidelines
are for the person to strive to be
with his wife according to the
guidelines of the legislation.
Allah ﺟﻞ ﻭﻋﻼ ordered that the
women should be given their
rights; likewise He ordered that
the man should be given their
rights. And the Prophet ﺻﻠﻰ ﺍﻟﻠﻪ
ﻋﻠﻴﻪ ﻭﺳﻠﻢ , from the final advices he
gave during his life, was advice
concerning the rights of the
women.
During his sermon on the day of
Arafat, during his tremendous
sermon which he bided farewell
to the people he said: ‘Be kind to
the women because verily they
are in your trust.’ Meaning like
captives
But this does not mean that he
leaves the affairs up to her to do
however she wants, and it does
not mean that the person is
negligent concerning the
commands of Allah; rather he
should be in accordance with that
which Allah ﺟﻞ ﻭﻋﻼ wants.
The man requests things from his
wife but it is befitting that his
interactions with his wife be in
accordance with the statement of
Ibn Abbass ﺭﺿﻲ ﺍﻟﻠﻪ ﻋﻨﻬﻤﺎ.
He said I do not like to demand all
of my rights from my wife such
that it will become obligatory upon
me to give her all of her rights that
she requests from me.
On the other hand, there is the
interaction of the wife with her
husband. Allah has given the man
a degree over the woman. He
said:
But men have a degree (of
responsibility) over them [al-
Baqarah 2:228]
Allah ﺟﻞ ﻭﻋﻼ gave man a
preference based upon him
providing maintenance. Thus He
gave him preference in that which
is specific to the man; thus man is
the one responsible for providing
maintenance and he is
responsible for commanding the
good and forbidding the wrong.
And it is upon the wife to obey the
husband in that which is
obedience to Allah, she should
obey him in that which is correct
and she should not disobey him.
Such that no one he hates
should enter his home and she
should not leave his home
unless he is in agreement. And
if the wife preserves the
husband’s rights upon her then
she has performed her
obligations.
And it appears in an authentic
narration: “If the woman prays her
five daily prayers, and fast (the
month of Ramadan) and obey her
husband, then it will be said to
her, ‘enter paradise from any door
you choose.’”
And there is no doubt the it is a
requirement for the woman to
obey her husband and it is an
obligation upon her as it relates to
her interaction with her husband
that she is obedient and pleased
and she should be the one who
concedes and yields. And she
should not make the man the one
who submits to her, and the one
who is submissive to her,
because in this action there is
corruption.
And the judges have spoken
about the affair of the husband
obeying his wife and what occurs
when some of the women rule
their husbands. The end result is
that the woman is not content with
her husband, the one who obeys
her, and has some good
interactions with her; rather she
makes him obey her in everything
that she desires. Thus the end
result is that she hates him,
because the woman by her
nature needs someone who will
take care of her. So if the man
takes responsibility for her and
interacts with her according to the
commands of Allah ﺟﻞ ﻭﻋﻼ then
both of them will have a good
result.

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